City Under Siege!

[Duriken the Mad]

Kahn woke up. He dreamed. He dreamed about death and destruction. Kahn has a bad feeling about this day... he grabs his staff and puts his clothes on. He came out of his house. Dorn was a beautiful city. It has many gardens with roses and other pretty flowers. There is a river, giving new lives to Dorn. The water is like crystal. Kahn steps before the river. He saw destruction in the crystal water. Kahn is ready for action...


There is a great chaos in the city. You hear captains shouting "To arms!" everywhere. Rams are pushing against the city gate. Projectiles are flying everywhere, setting houses aflame. Every single soldier is ready to fight... the gate has been opened. Monsters are entering the city. Those monsters have long teeth, but their claws are longer than their teeth. Those monsters are known as the Jaur. The Jaurs are wielding swords, axes, and they use fire magic. First of all, the Jaur set all of the houses aflame. Then the blade and axe warriors are slaughtering the whole army. Kahn has enough of all this. He is charging the best of his magic... meteors are falling out of the sky, killing many Jaurs. But it still was'nt enough. The blade and axe warriors are charged up by the Flame Mages. They continue slaughtering the city's army. Kahn succeeds to escape from the fighting. He sneaks up to the Flame Mages... and he summons large fireballs to crush into their head. The Flame Mages are dead. The Jaur have slaughtered the city's army. Now they begin to slay women and children. Kahn has enough of this... he summons inferno minions to fight against the Jaur. Kahn charged up all of his magic again to create a meteor storm. The storm crushes a big part of the Jaur army. The inferno minions have slaughtered the rest of the Jaur. Kahn looks at what the city has become now...

There are no houses in Dorn. Many women and children have been slaughtered by the Jaur. Kahn has fallen asleep because he used too much of his magic. The rest of the city builds houses. Caravans of other cities are carrying resources with them. And the river... The crystal water has dissapeared. All what Kahn saw was his own face... Kahn knew about this attack, because this river shows the future to him. Now, there is no crystal water and no more big fish. The city could never be so beautiful again like before the fight... All what Kahn thinks about is revenge...

[ozran]

Things I liked:
* You used Discriptive words and made the suroundings very visual.
* You have a new kind of style, kinda going into the battle scene etc.

Things I didnt like:
* You were not fluent. You have a lot of fragment sentences. You need to make it flow better.
* I dont know what its called, but you need to not start to sentences with the same word. It's repeditive. For instance "He dreamed. He dreamed about death and destruction. Kahn has a bad feeling about this day... he grabs his staff and puts his clothes on. He came out of his house. "

Here you see you start three sentences in a row with the same word, " He"

Other than that... is good.

Ozran

[Duriken the Mad]

Thank you for your comments. I know that I need to change some things when I readed the story myself.

[ozran]

I find that helpful criticism helps us become better writers. Jack has helped me out a lot in this manner.

[Jack]

Hmm?

Oh right, criticism.

I liked:

• Your narrative style is very straightforward, as if you're speaking to the reader. You seem to know exactly what you want to get down, laying out the story in a very literal way.

Suggestions:

• Ozran's right about your sentence structure, many of your sentences are very similar. You narrate in a rather clipped tone, like you're cutting up the story and giving it to the reader in only small bites. You need to join together your sentences together more often with reasoning that belies that factual statements, such as 'because', 'however', 'but', and 'and'.
  
  
• You also need to be very descriptive when introducing something to the reader for the first time. If that first time you describe something to your reader you can get it to stick in their imagination, you won't have to keep describing it over and over. Comic book artists often do something similar to this, in the first 'shot' showing two characters interacting they will have a detailed background drawn in, but progressively the artist will show less and less of the background, using either close-ups of the character's faces, or simple, one tone backgrounds. This is less noticable because what the setting looks like has already been imprinted onto the reader's mind, and they will super-impose it through their imagination into what they read.
  
  
• I also generally advise writing in past tense, though that's really the writer's preference.